I looked out of the flight window, thinking why is it that I have gotten so many signs of my past over and over. Past memories flood through my brain. Remind me of the lost. Things that I let go, things that let go of me. Nevertheless, they seem etched in my mind and soul.
How can one ever stop loving, I asked aloud once. I finally did. I gave up. Gave up trying to fool myself. Gave up the girl in me who was the dreamer aka the "self-pain-inflicter". When hearts break, there is no noise. It feels like an explosion but if I were to describe it, it would be so.
Two people staring into each other's eyes fooling themselves and each other that the moment would last forever, that the pain would not, that there could be some sane way of making things work, that the insanity that lead to this moment is unreal, that the imagined happiness is fact, and the factual pain inflicted is fiction.
Why is it that happiness and joy are never as long lasting as pain and tears? Why then are memories of happy times recollected more than the reasons for which the present is in fact present? The smiles that used to be smiles thought of more?
Some of us have a very special gift. Of forgiving and forgetting. I seem to be able to forgive or at least try to but can never seem to forget. What is a very romantic quality to have when you are in the middle of a relationship becomes an extremely painstaking delusion when it ends. Works something like this: reflections and stories fly past my mind almost like a movie but with no reasonable starting or ending point. It's like a super sonic flow of happy and sad.
Today I ask... How can one ever forget? How do you shut off the images, erase the virtually endless reels running through your head?
1 comment:
well there is something called shift+delete
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