Defeat, failure..do these things just mean more to some people than others? Do they affect just some people adversely? I definitely think I am one of "those". Whether I blame (read thank) my mom for making me like this or my innate nature, I find that I suffer from this disease called "needing-to-be-on-the-top". I may sound pompous when I say this but it really is a disease. I have suffered from it since age 5. Nothing tastes/smells/feels better than success whether it's in career or in personal life. The ghosts of failed realtionhsips haunt me as badly as the ghosts of standing 3rd in class those 2 times in school. And I accept that being infected with this disease makes these things seem really big to me. I am never really at peace with either kind of failure even though I try to forget. Maybe it's because I never really forgive myself for those failures.
And as I write this blog, I am reminded of the words of a pal who is as dear to me as I am to me. He always wonders..why is it that I manage to pin point and pick myself on the things that I am worst at? Why can't I look at the sunny bright side and bask in glory of happy times? Why doesn't my unforgiving conscience smile at me ever and make me feel good about myself?
It isn't as bad as it sounds, I am a happy person. I just manage to shoot for stars so high up that it often makes me feel inadequate given that I don't enjoy the journey as much. But thankfully for me, success in my personal life far outweighs the failures and I am happy that I made some judgement calls. Call it destiny or karma but I am content. I am at peace. As far as career judgement calls go, I am just getting started. The stars are way higher than usual, the stakes are further high but I trust my gut that I'll get there. The only hope is when I do get there, I am content with the journey as much as I am with my personal life today. That, my friends will be the icing on the cake!
No comments:
Post a Comment