Relating to moments, thoughts and experiences of the past is something each one of us does to some extent atleast. I do it to such a major extent that you could, if you spent a lot of time with me, see me smiling to myself without reason or upset with no realistic explanation to give. I found myself 200% more erratic this morning and it’s been this way since then. I tried listening to music and you know what? It made my nostalgia worse!! That's what I have decided to call what I am feeling right now.
I spoke to a long lost friend yesterday. She just had a baby girl and seemed so tired! But I was glad to hear happiness in her voice inspite of the sleeplessness. And I want to blame that conversation with her to this weird feeling in my tummy today. I hate nostalgia to the core sometimes. It just is something you cannot get rid of, its this nagging leech on your head. I wouldn't mind thoughts of the good times per se, but its the good times that are no longer there that is something that tugs onto my emotions.
So I started listening to my fav playlist. And every song that I heard reminded me of the time I used to hear to that song the most!! Memories came knocking from Class 9 of my life, and it was fun for sometime, thinking of the thoughts that I used to think at that age. Coming 1st in class was undoubtedly the number 1 priority. Having friends who would cherish me as much as I cherished them was another. But I never found that in school which still happens to be part of my nightmares. Then came along a song that I used to love in my 11 & 12. And it was interesting that it didn’t remind me of the torment that we went through in preparation to be "Engineers". It reminded me of the crush that I still had on my high school sweetheart even after leaving school. That was nice :). The best songs were yet to come!! Songs that brought back the college fests, the dances on stage (how did I ever do that??), the crazy whacko-like dances in the scorching sun at universities that were miles away, the broken voice at the end of the fest season..that was the best time of my life!!
Life they say comes one full circle at some point in time. And it indeed did with me today. As I went past each song, I re-lived and cherished each stage of my life, each relationship, the good times and the bad. Now that I say it I realize that nothing is really "bad". Bad is really our way of looking at some things that we didnt follow, some things we didnt keep up to our expectations. Past is neither good nor bad. Its just something that is gone. Lost because we can never go back and re-live those times or re-bask in the happiness they gave. We don't have "past" anymore. But what we do have, are songs and memories. Memories that live in our head. We just need to brush the dust off them, re-wind and play (use some VCR head cleaner for best results on old videptapes :))
